Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize