I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
