i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
