She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
