High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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