I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
