Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
