mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
