I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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