This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
