You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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