Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
