So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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