He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
