She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
