saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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