and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize