i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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