I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
