everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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