: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
