I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
