Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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