She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize