how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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