she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
