that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
