Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
