My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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