Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
