Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
