apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
