I seem to have left my pride at pride
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ttyl tear gas
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
