Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
