make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
