so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
