Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
