she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
