So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
