does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
3 2 1 whiskey
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
