did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize