It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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