i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
