I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
