I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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