I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
