based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
