i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
