I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
