So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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