If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
