I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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