I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
