who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
