so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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