Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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