I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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